We all have cravings, right? I bet that most of them are food-related. Lately, I’ve had a craving that has been driving me NUTS, and it won’t go away. It’s not food. I wish it were some type of food, because then I’d have the confidence to beat it. No, this craving is much much worse.

It’s Certainty.

the craving i just can't killRemember back when I wrote about Certainty in my blog series? After my experience in Bali, I resolved to have less Certainty in my life and more Uncertainty. In fact, I even made my motto for 2015 “embrace the Uncertainty.” I’ve been trying to live a life of welcoming Uncertainty, and I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job.

Recently, I was feeling stressed and wasn’t sure why. As usual, I turned to the heart meditation and sat with my thoughts and feelings. From that, I realized my stress was coming from a craving for Certainty. It wasn’t just any craving. It was a deep yearning for it. I’ve been living in Uncertainty for a few months now, and this is foreign territory to me. Naturally, my mind wants to go back to having Certainty about my career path.

But where did Certainty ever get me in the past? Yes, it provided me with basic survival needs, but it also consumed me. I felt unfulfilled when I followed Certainty. And that’s what led me to my sabbatical in the first place. (Thank you to my Bali sister Tyra for helping me realize this.)

So now I have a choice…give in to this craving for Certainty. This f***ing frustrating craving that I can’t stop thinking about! Or stay true to the resolution I made for myself after the retreat…to embrace Uncertainty. You can probably guess which choice I’ve made. Even as I type this, I recognize that my choice doesn’t mean that I can completely kill my craving for Certainty, but I can choose to not let it run my life.

So what does this choice mean? This means that I commit to a life of freelance work and side jobs until I have found what my true calling is. This is the Uncertainty of my life right now, and I’m not going to lie, it’s super scary.

I wrote this post because I wanted to share that it’s not easy choosing a life of Uncertainty. There will be MANY doubts along the way, but I believe there is something out there (related to my career path) that is still waiting for me. I’ll never find it if I go back to my old ways.

Take that, Certainty.